Infertility Wonderland

652 Days...

2011-03-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

On May 25, 2009

I was given a glimmer of hope.

A very faint positive pregnancy test.

The first [REAL] one that had come back positive

I knew it wasn't the last time I would face infertility

But I thought that I could ignore it for awhile

I tried and did quite well.

I enjoyed my typical pregnancy.

Spent hours snuggling my daughter

And now chase her everywhere.

Since that bright morning in May, I had almost forgotten the hurt and despair that accompanied infertility.

Well...

almost.

But it's interesting how all of those feelings come flooding back to you.

Especially when you're told that you are having a miscarriage.

And now, I remember all too well.

I have a hard time having babies.

Split Persona!

2010-07-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Ok! So I feel like I need to own up to myself and stop being embarrassed of this part of myself

It's silly because I feel like i should help others who may be struggling with infertility

So friends (all one of you who may/may not read this)

I'm doing the whole "merging blogs" thing for now

Hopefully I can stay true to all of myself in my other blog.

Here's the address: the DK Crew

See you on the Flip side!

Oh taxes...

2010-04-07T12:41:00.001-07:00

Did you know that the following things are tax deductible?

Pregnancy tests

Birth Control

Fertility Enhancement! (YES)

Unfortunately the following is NOT tax decuctible:

Costs of Adoption

Even worse, the following IS tax decuctible:

Costs of Abortion

Something is wrong with this picture.

We should alert lawmakers.

Hopefully in the future, I will be writing a blog post and those two will be switched!

Oh taxes...

I couldn't have said it better myself...

2010-03-09T20:13:00.000-08:00

This really spoke to my heart...

Thank You!

My least favorite word...

2010-02-27T18:43:00.001-08:00

Relax

I hate it.

I hate how people have used it against me.

But they think they're doing me a favor.

While trying to conceive, we would always hear,

"You just have to relax and it will happen."

Then while I was pregnant,

"You need to relax or you're going to hurt your baby with stress."

Then while I was in labor,

"You need to relax so it won't hurt." (Pfft!)

Then while I was learning how to nurse,

"You should relax so the milk will come in to feed your baby."

Then when people were being intrusive,

"You need to relax because you're being overprotective."

And now that things have settled down a little bit,

"You really need to relax so people don't think that you're a crazy mom."

I hate that word.

Really

hate that word.

*Just so you know, none of these statements came from my doctor*

And contrary to the picture that this paints, I'm not a stress case.

I'm actually quite fun!

And I like boardgames.

and long walks on the beach ;)

Hmmm...

2009-11-12T08:04:00.001-08:00

We should all consider getting this shirt....

Here's a close-up

Music

2009-10-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

I love music. Some songs can bring me out of my lowest lows and help me express my highest highs. I love this one!

This song is from a musical by Jason Robert Brown called "Songs for a New World".

It reminds me to trust my Savior during the hard times. He's made promises to comfort each of us.

If you have time, listen to the whole song, there's a link on the player.

Why?

2009-09-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I hate hearing when people accidently get pregnant or conceive practically on their honeymoon. Even worse, I hate telling people that we're finally expecting only to hear, "We're having BABY #485!" It shouldn't bother me. Maybe it's the complaining that I hear from them. Maybe it's the in-your-face attitude that it exudes. Or maybe it's just my bitterness that still gets to me.

I need to get over it. I thought that these feelings would go away once I actually did get pregnant. Instead, I feel more sensitive, if not borderline-defensive. I get upset not just for myself but for every other girl struggling through infertility.

Sometimes I think, "How do I get rid of these feelings?" Unfortunately, I frequently follow these thoughts with "I don't want to get rid of them". In reality, I need to be more forgiving to those whose struggles are hidden from me. I'm not good at that.

Confession...again

2009-07-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

Our IVF cycle worked. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant. I have these conflicting feelings in my heart right now. As much as I am excited, I'm embarrassed to write about our news on this blog. I'll try my best to not complain and apologize to those of you to whom I have complained about being sick. I'm so sorry for being so callous.

Contemplation...

2009-06-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

I noticed the other day that there are very few good, close friends with which I have shared my struggles with infertility.

It almost seems strange that I feel comfortable blogging and emailing complete strangers but not some of my extended family.

I think it's because I have set certain criteria in my mind.

If a person meets any of these criteria, then I deem them worthy.

I actually find this practice quite ludicrous and intend to use this post as a way to expose my sillyness.

Here are the criteria that I can think of:

A person is experiencing or has experienced some measure of infertility.
A person realizes why having children is important.
A person cares about me without reservation.
A person full of faith and inspiration.

I'm sure there are more in my head. But those are at the forefront. I'm grateful for the people that support me through my treatments and struggles.

You know enough...

2009-05-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I try to see the end from the beginning. Through the times when I want to laugh, cry or hide, I still expect to know everything. Here's to a renewed resolve to have joy in the journey and press forward with faith.

Damn Ovaries...

2009-05-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the cursing but I'm mad at my ovaries. Why? Two Reasons: First, they did not kick it into high gear like I asked and so I was stuck taking stimulation meds for an extra 3 days (AKA stabbing myself with expensive drugs). Second, they didn't tell my blood pressure to cool it so I'm on two different medications for hypertension and I have an appointment with an Internal Medicine Doc to make sure nothing is seriously wrong. Boo Hiss!

On a happier note, it looks like I'm finally ready for egg retrieval and that should be happening on Thursday.

What did you do on Mother's Day?

2009-05-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

I had an ultrasound that told me that my ovaries are slacking and got my blood drawn for the 4th time this week. Thank goodness for a husband that makes me feel special on a day such as today!

Dear Ovaries...

2009-05-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Please start working like you're supposed to. I'm doing my part. It's time to step it up girls!

Follicle Stimulatingly Yours,

Katey

P.S. Can you tell Blood Pressure to chill out a bit? It's worrying the doctors.

Embarassed...

2009-05-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

So aside from feeling like a bloated pin cushion, I'm doing well. I'm giving myself three different shots a day and taking a few pills at night. The shots aren't as bad as I was thinking. I've only had one major incident...[cue dramatic music and dim the lights]

It was early in the morning...

My husband and I were getting up to go to the temple.

I gave myself shot 1... check.

Shot 2...check.

Shot 3...check.

After shot 3, I went to put the needle into my sharps container...

Did I mention that it was 5:15am?

The needle slipped and scratched my thumb...(ouch)

I tried to grab it midair...(uh-oh)

It STABBED my thumb...(double ouch!)

Blood... (eww)

Small Scream...

Band-Aid...

Kisses and hugs from husband.

The End.

You've got mail...

2009-04-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

Most of the meds for this next cycle.
Buckle up, Buttercup!

woah!

2009-04-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Long time, no blog! Sorry. I planned on blogging earlier today but I've been sick from eating Easter candy. I usually don't each much candy so even a little bit will churn my stomach nowadays.

On the fertility side of things, we've been going through the initial stages of IVF. You know: blood tests, paperwork and a water ultrasound. What's a water ultrasound, you say?? I thought you would never ask....

The Following is based on a true story

Once upon a time, there was a princess that went to her fairy godmother.

Princess: Yo! I need you to take off this evil hex!

Fairy Godmother: Why?

P:I want to make cute little princesses that look like me.

FG: Cool. I'm down. But we'll have to run some tests to see if you're ready.

P: I'm used to tests. Bring it on!

So the Fairy Godmother took the Princess to a small room with a bed.

FG: Assume the testing position! (AKA Get those legs in the stirrups!) Me and my trusty assistant are going to look at your insides using this special magic mirror.

P: What are you looking at?

FG: We're looking at how your special nesting place is shaped.

P: Is this gonna hurt?

FG: You'll feel some pressure.

P: When will it start?

FG: We've already started.

Pretty soon, the Princess started to wet herself. This surprised for two reasons: 1) She couldn't control it and 2) it wouldn't STOP!

After her meeting with the Fairy Godmother, the Princess received a some extra thick padding to prevent her wetting herself for the rest of the day.

So that's the story about a water ultrasound. Any questions?

P.S. Guess what! I'm immune to Rubella! Yeah!

Babies, Babies Everywhere...

2009-03-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

but none for me to hold. The past few weeks has been tough. I feel like I've been bombarded with babies. During the past two weeks, I received three baby shower invitations and I am expecting one more in the mail. I finally decided to say, "no" to one of them. Each time I go to one of these events, I come home feeling like it will never be my turn. Sorry if I'm a little mopey right now. I think I'm a little hungry... I didn't eat breakfast.

Confession Time...

2009-03-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise when I say that my body needs help doing what a "normal" woman's would. You're probably thinking, "Duh! That's why you started this blog, Genius!"

So when I tell you that I get HCG shots to trigger ovulation each month, we should all be on the same page. Once my follicle(s) are developed enough, I get a shot in the bum! Following that, I should refrain from taking any pregnancy tests for 2 weeks in order to avoid receiving a false positive... should. Therein lies the first part of my confession. I like to take pregnancy tests while the HCG is in my system. I just want to know how it feels to get a positive result!!

Much to my financially aware husband's dismay, the tests are SOOO expensive. A dear friend introduced me to a well-kept but useful secret: eBay! It's true! In order to feed my irrational wants, I buy pregnancy tests in bulk on eBay! That's the second part of my confession. Instead of paying $10-15 bucks for one or two tests, I can buy several.

So you’re probably thinking, “She must go through 20 tests a month.” The truth is that I could if left to my own devices. But once again, my dear husband attempts to bring me back to reality. Back in January, he told me that I needed to promise to stop this nonsense (the wasting-pregnancy-tests nonsense, not the saving-$$-on-eBay part). He suggested a paper chain may help my patience. So I went to the store, bought construction paper and made one… but I may have still slipped one test in there before it was done.

But don’t tell. He may hide my “supply” this next cycle if he ever reads this. SSHHH! By the way, anyone have any suggestions on colors for this next paper chain?

Ye-OWCH!

2009-03-10T07:40:00.001-07:00

SO...one of the last times that I went to the doctor, he performed an IUI. Everything was going well though I have to admit that I HATE those metal torture devices (I'll call them MTDs) that they use to "open you up." You know what talking about! I would post a picture but that would be gross. I don't know why I disliked them so much until that day.

Like I said, everything was going as planned and the procedure was over quickly. So my doctor closed the torture device and started taking it out. Then I felt this terrible PINCH! I think that I screamed, "Woah, that hurts!" Apparently, the MTD was closed too quickly and it pinched me. Ugh! It took me several minutes to subdue to tears and realize the humor in it all. Now my husband and I just laugh over it!

Has that happened to anyone else or am I just a lone duck over here?

"I can do hard things..."

2009-03-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Liberty Jail. Photo Courtesy of LDS.org

Today's testimony meeting seemed to be directed toward me. One brother talked about trials and how he finds comfort in knowing that he "can do hard things."

It reminded me of Elder Wirthlin's talk, "Come What May, and Love it".

I understand the "Come What May" part but the "Love It" is kind of a stretch, don't you think?

I reread the talk this morning and found some wonderful counsel. Elder Wirthlin was completely right.

My favorite part of the talk is when Elder Wirthlin encourages us to "Seek For the Eternal" and avoid asking, "Why Me?"

He says:

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.

I love the scriptures because they show examples of great and noble men and women such as Abraham, Sarah, Enoch, Moses, Joseph, Emma, and Brigham. Each of them experienced adversity and sorrow that tried, fortified, and refined their characters.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

My foe isn't a person.

Mine is a foe of infertility.

But I can do it.

I'm still learning.

I haven't got it right yet.

I can do hard things.

And I can do this!

This is getting old....

2009-02-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

So today we found out that yet another cycle didn't work. I've been crying about it today but am starting to feel better. But for the record, if another person tells me to relax or try doing it naturally*, I'm going to scream! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a pedicure and wander around the mall to try to make myself feel better.

*Naturally: Without the help of proven medicine and educated doctors/specialists.

Welcome to my Life!

2009-02-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

My "cycle" has NEVER been normal. Other than the first time I got my period, I remember 2 other times in my life when I got it without the help of medicine. At one point (4 years ago), my doctor thought that I had tumors. She sent me to an ultrasound technician. It was interesting to see the skeptical looks when I explained to at least half a dozen people that I was not pregnant, could not be pregnant and was most definitely NOT sexually active. I even had to explain to one person that I hadn't even "tried once." Man! Those people in those offices ask some personal questions. It's funny now but at the time, I was completely embarassed; Not to mention the humiliating exam they were about to put me through. Well, they didn't find any tumors and my Wierd Cycle Mystery lived on!

About 3 and a half years ago, I met a boy in my Single's Ward. My roommate wanted me to date him and my response was, "The kid with the braces?" Upon further inspection, I found that Braces was a pretty nice guy. Soon after, we started dating and in December 2006, we were married.

This is us while we were engaged! Aren't we cute?

By the time that we had been married for a year, I had gone to two different doctors about my Mystery. The first one shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, it's not impeding your life yet so let's just put you on this birth control." The next one insulted my weight, nationality, and family history. Then, while getting up to leave she said, "Oh I know! I think you have this. Go home and Google it. It's not a big deal!" Aghast and mildly disgusted with her bedside manner, I went home and did some research.

Through my research over the next several weeks, I found that it was anything BUT "not a big deal." I promptly switched insurance plans so as to find a REAL doctor and began corresponding with an acquaitance with the same syndrome. Through these emails, I was able to find direction. I began seeing a wonderful OB/GYN that has been working with my husband and I since. My MYSTERY found a name: PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome. And I have it in SPADES!

Although this can be very hard, we have been so blessed. We are surrounded by friends and family that love us and pray for us. We have been able to have so many opportunities. We have each other! Did I mention that my husband is the most amazing man that I know? And most importantly, we have our Faith in Christ. We have been able to make it this far by drawing near to Him and that's the way that we'll keep going! At this point, it's too early to tell how we'll get children. But we know that we will get them and we can't wait!

Rollercoaster of....Love?

2009-02-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

So I know that I said that I would introduce myself in this post but decided against it. Instead, I feel the need to talk about the wonderful Rollercoaster of Emotions on which the fertility drugs put me. Take today for example. I wake up and everything's going as normal. However, by 10am I am experiencing a level of anger that is not becoming of a young lady. Nothing brought this wave of emotions, it just...happened. (That sounds like I pretty lame excuse, I know) But I looked like this!

Within an hour I looked like this!

I stayed in this stage for awhile with brief stints of...

But mostly....

Oh the JOYS of trying to get to Motherhood.

Wait a minute...

2009-02-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

When I was fifteen years old, I asked my parents for perfume for Christmas. But I didn't ask for just any perfume; it was Clinique Happy! I kept talking about it for months because it would be my first REAL bottle of perfume. Christmas time came around and the present opening began! I opened my presents and to my surprise, the perfume was not there. No sooner had I realized that I wouldn't be receiving it than I watched my 23-year-old, oldest sister open one of her presents. Guess what she got: my perfume. I was crushed. Not only did my parents fail to give me what I asked for, they gave it to someone else! Months later, my sister tried to give me the perfume claiming that she had grown tired of the smell and wished to be rid of it. I was thinking, "You've got to be kidding me! You didn't even want it and therefore didn't appreciate it!" Has that ever happened to you? Did someone else get your Christmas presents?

It's been nine years since that happened. But this past Christmas, it happened again. But this present wasn't something to be found underneath the tree. I was hoping that my Christmas present was a positive result on a pregnancy test. But Christmas came and went. Afterwards, I felt like shouting, "SANTA! Where's the LOVE??" Unfortunately, it seemed like everywhere I turned people were having babies, announcing pregnancies or complaining about their current pregnancies/children.

This blog is about my journey to (hopefully) motherhood. My next post, I'll introduce myself and a little of what I'm going through.